Rewriting the Script: Understanding Pleasure and Connection in Sex and Relationships

In dating and relationships, it is important to balance intimacy (e.g., verbal intimacy & affectionate touch) and eroticism (e.g., desire & arousal). However, most people have not received formal sex education that is pleasure-based, focusing on pleasure rather than just reproductive sex and STD/STI prevention. People are often taught about sex through the media, which reinforces sexual myths (e.g., sex, sexuality, sex/gender, relationships, frequency, sexual endurance, sex as a pass-fail intercourse test, orgasm as the ultimate sexual experience, etc.) and performative-based sexual scripts that contribute to mediocre sex, which often is not embodied, connected, or transcendent. This includes prominent societal and cultural messages and myths, such as the idea that sex is spontaneous, that one partner is responsible for the other's pleasure, that learning a new sexual position or technique will ensure that your partner does not stray, that a penis operates like a dildo, that sex is only penetration (e.g., penile-vaginal penetration), and that an erect penis is required for pleasure.

Common Sex Myths

Orgasm is the ultimate sexual experience

Orgasm is not the ultimate sexual experience and can actually reinforce performative-based sexual scripts and mediocre sex. Many people report that their greatest sexual experiences did not involve an orgasm. If one desires an orgasm during partnered sex, that is fine, but it can lend itself to goal-oriented performative-based sex. Optimal sexual experiences are embodied, where one lets go and has peak experiences.

Sex as a pass-fail intercourse test

Sex is not a pass-fail intercourse test. Intercourse and penile penetration are not the only forms of sex. In fact, sex doesn’t have to involve penetration, an erect penis, or a penis at all. Sex encompasses numerous pleasurable and erotic experiences.

Sex is spontaneous

Most sex is semi-spontaneous, where there is planned intimate time without the planning of a specific sexual script. Refraining from a specific sexual script retains novelty and eroticism.

Your partner is responsible for your orgasm

Not true. A person can make explicit their sexual preferences, but their partner is not responsible for their pleasure. Each person is responsible for their own pleasure, including giving themselves an orgasm if they so choose. Performative-based sex leads to "spectatoring" and is motivated by anxiety about one’s sense of worth as a partner, value as a lover, and the competence of their body. Sex becomes a mechanism of validation and attractiveness that lacks intimacy and connection.

A penis operates like a dildo

A penis does not get and remain erect on demand; it will wax and wane and has a refractory period after orgasm. “Erectile dysfunction” is a misused term that is often used to describe erectile disappointment from unrealistic expectations, stemming from a lack of understanding of the variability of erections.

Men want to have sex while women want connection and intimacy

Not true. There is very little difference between men and women in terms of sexuality. Exceptions include masturbation frequency, pornography use, casual sex, and attitudes toward casual sex.

In modern dating and relationships, achieving a balance between intimacy (emotional connection) and eroticism (desire & arousal) is essential. However, many people lack formal sex education that focuses on pleasure, and instead are taught sex through societal myths and media portrayals. These often reinforce unrealistic expectations and lead to mediocre, performative sexual experiences rather than deeply connected, embodied ones.

References

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Cooper, Y. (2024). Black men and racial trauma: Impacts, disparities, and interventions. Routledge.

Cooper, Y., & Holmes, E. (Eds.). (2023). Black Couples Therapy: Clinical Theory and Practice. Cambridge University Press.

Cooper, Y. (2023). Emotionally focused therapy with Black couples. In Y. Cooper & E. Holmes (Eds.), Black couples therapy: Clinical theory and practice (pp. 127-165). Cambridge University Press.

Hyde, J. S. (2005). The gender similarities hypothesis. American psychologist, 60(6), 581-592.

Kleinplatz, P., & Ménard, A. (2020). Magnificent sex: Lessons from extraordinary lovers. Routledge.

McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2019). Rekindling desire (3rd ed.). Routledge.

Petersen, J. L., & Hyde, J. S. (2010). A meta-analytic review of research on gender differences in sexuality, 1993–2007. Psychological bulletin, 136(1), 21-38.