How to Process Grief
An adaptive grieving process entails the transformation of the former psychological bond that connected the person to their loved one to a new bond that represents the altered relationship. The relationship evolves from one that was loving in physical presence to one that is loving in physical absence. This is where a person is connected to their loved one through feelings of love instead of pain.
A person’s world and identity are changed due to the impact of the death and its consequences. The world is no longer predictable which can leave a person grappling with meaning, questioning one’s faith, preoccupation (cause, responsibility, & blame), feelings of guilt, and preoccupation with the suffering of the deceased. Coping with bereavement encompasses everyday life experiences that oscillate between loss and restoration-oriented experiences.
Loss oriented experiences include grief work, intrusion of grief, letting go-continuing-relocation of bond, and denial/avoidance of restoration changes. Restoration-oriented experiences include attending to life changes, doing new things, distraction from grief, denial/avoidance of grief, new roles, identities, and relationships.
This dynamic of confronting and avoidance is maladaptive if a person is stuck in either loss-oriented or restoration-oriented experiences and optimal if they can consistently navigate between both experiences while not overloading themselves with too many activities, events, and experiences. Moreover, it is important that a person takes a break from loss- and restoration-oriented experiences including feeling and reflecting and setting them aside for a time and coming back to them later.
Recollecting and reexperiencing the deceased and the relationship while remembering them realistically are important aspects of the grieving process. Grief does not resolve by detaching from the deceased loved one but through creating a new relationship and developing a continuing bond that endures throughout life (carrying forward the memory of the deceased). The mourner maintains a psychological connection with the deceased loved one where they recall memories of joy and connection that produces a sense of relational connection. This facilitates gratitude where they feel thankful for what they had with and received from the deceased which can develop into an experience of a continuing bond and attachment with the deceased that is often described as feeling the deceased person’s presence, them showing up in a person’s dreams, or having an ongoing dialogue with them. Thus, the grief process is letting go and accepting the loss while taking-in and continuing to feel a connection to the loved one. A new way of being in the world and identity is forged through this process.
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~ Yamonte